It gives the impression that Id rather do nothing than spend time with you or help you with something (which may very well be true, but is often not a conversation worth having). I wonder if some variety of Im really flattered that you asked and I want to hang bout, but I REALLY need to recharge this weekend, maybe we can set a time that works for both of us? might be a good script? 3. My mom recently moved from but why? to Ok, I guess you dont love me which is actually a sign things are going my way because its not a direct question. So the LWs anger at nosy questions is more than justified. Just about the only good answer is, That doesnt work for me/us, followed by, Asked and answered, when they dont want to take that answer. TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. One of my long-time boundaries is I wont date a guy who cant properly carry out an invitation and follow it through. I think its more like, LW has a bunch of overbearing, annoying relatives who use this as a manipulation tactic, so she now sees it as one. So if you say Im probably going to that new movie, they dont ask and youre not put on the spot. Sometimes I might even say, its okay if you dont want to, its not urgent, but I was wondering if you could possibly help babysit Saturday? Yep yep yep. Well see you at other times but this ones for us.. When someone is fishing for a date or a maybe-babysitter, though, I turn it right back around on them. I feel like sometimes there is such a huge anti-parent bias among the commenters here. DP: As you know, [ note, I do not know ] I need someone to [ renew my library book | paint my bathroom | walk my parakeet | clean my cat litter ] and I hoped you might help. It might help to keep in mind that for most people, the question is pretty innocuous. Umm.pardon me, I wasn't listening. It sounds like you find the second uncomfortable or have had bad experiences with people misusing it to manipulate you. Make up a lease and sign it. In general, most people will expect a response like this when they . My vote is toss her out and let her adult. TootsNYC, why do you feel entitled to some of her time because shes a member of your family? Throwing another vote in for a friendly Why? or Why, whats up? Assuming I like them, I usually say it with a smile or an inviting tone. They also influence how OFTEN. Here's the most obvious answer that no one can argue with. If an invitation to something materializes at this reply, I have no problem saying No. Jana: I'm good. But sometimes that comes across as I just dont want to, and thats pretty hurtful. It is really really worth it for people in all possible situations to understand being ethical as something you need to work on and not as something you already are by default and need no guidance and no dialogue for. Same as being busy all the time rather than saying, No, I dont want to hang out. Its the more broad-scope? Its not lazy that I did X this week which meant I was in pain by Friday night. As long as I sound friendly, folks who have no ulterior motive take it at face value, and the ones who are being invasively nosy, or hoping to trick me into something, are taken aback and sometimes given subtle notice that I will set boundaries @mangosteeen, I would pay money to see Nosy Tellers face if you were to tell him you were flying to the moon some weekend! The fact that LW is this bugged about it shows theres a problem and the parent is being manipulative. What about you? (Whether there will be some negative family fallback I dont know). I think that with my previous friend group culture, a sorry, Im REALLY busy for the next few weeks gets taken personally as Im too busy to maintain our relationship, even though Im trying to, um, not be homeless? Thats a way it can work, certainly, but why is it magically guess the exact time theyre free and what they want to do with no input if the person who first said lets hang out is then suggesting a time or activity, but something other than magically guessing if the person who first said lets hang out and is told yeah, we should is the one saying Saturdays are good for me, how about you? or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther? Not making it a big moan-y you alwaaays ask that! just an in the moment, you know were close enough that we dont have to do this dance sort of thing. Improve your attitude toward your family." - Bo Bennett 4. I completely get anything to do with joint maintenance of shared space responsibilities for shared spaces need to be clearly shared out and individuals need to do their share. I guess its a cultural thing, I come from a non-English speaking country in Europe and here, I feel, admitting that you dont have Plans-Plans, and then declining an invitation, would be seen as pretty rude. Id rather know the thing up front so I can answer it directlyare you free without telling me the activity feels like a setup. 300 Weekend Captions for Instagram to Salute All Working - getchip Numbered point 4 specifically says LW doesnt understand why people are asking this, hence the many explanations of different reasons people ask, and while the possible manipulation is noted in numbered points 2 and 3, its not the only thing LW is asking about, while point 3 suggests to me that LW may well be reading manipulation into cases where people are just curious or are actually trying to do the planning themselves (by finding out if LW is even available for a possible activity), not trying to make zir do the planning, as ze suspects. And sometimes its due to the other person not grasping the soft no/non-answer to drop the conversation (generally people I am not already friends with, like the one bank teller who keeps on asking* and that I do find nosy/irritating). Ive had good luck with, Fantastic! because no matter what is happening to me, I am still fantastic in various ways. morning (and then bending my ear the whole way up the road, when if we were alone Id be chatting to my kids, and we quite like that) to the point where the doorbell would go and my kids would be saying oh god no, not them again! and Im shushing them, but feel exactly the same way. But it is a cost. You can help!'. Soft invites in my friend circle are more just a mutually understood shorthand for I value your friendship so Im going to express a genuine desire to hang out even were both depressed and introverted and therefore the likelihood of this actually happening is pretty low.. The. Read also. Hed ask me what Im doing for the weekend and when i started to tell him a selection of my actual plans hed cut me off while I was talking to make fun of how boring or lame I am or some other stupid comment. I slept for twelve minutes while perching on top of my desk like a bird! What are you doing this weekend? If the reason for you that you daughter should help you at X time with X thing is because family, is the reverse also true? Im okay not giving you your exact expected or hoped for answer. But different cultural norms! Reluctant runners just need a nudge. Anything fun planned? Its clearly related to the other ones, not just random strangers. :) Hope you like our compilation and try to stay serious ,please . "That is very thoughtful of you, it was a nice weekend.". This is about the blandest, most banal small talk question I can think of.). Can I get back to you later? In truth that is an honest answer, my schedule would fall like a house of cards without my calendar and unless it is an emergency I truly have to check it. I dont have any good answers because that particular form of domestic abuse excessively leaning on the partner for a deluge of small things to the point it is messing up the partners life is pandemic in American culture right now, nearly always but not always done by men to women. (Im looking at you, mom, and you too, aunt.). I think the idea is that someone who thinks no is hard will get the direct request and start cancelling plans, because no one would actually directly ask for babysitting unless this was the most important event of their lives. Just because at that one time it wasnt true doesnt mean that her reaction was irrational. Plus they have the freedom to say Nah, cant on Saturday, but Im free Friday or whatever. Work it like a weekend warrior! Im one of those foreigners who are mystified with the use of How are you? in the US. Unhelpful? I also find why do you ask? really handy as a polite way to signal someone is being nosy. Amusing to think of borrowing a line from upthread: Well, it sounds like youre inviting me to something interesting! It sort of came to a head last week when I was on the toilet, and the kid came to the door, and my kid answered the door, and the conversation was like I felt disliked, maybe undervalued, often embarrassed (and some of that came from my own brainweasles or ablism in broader society, not primarily my parents) but never unsafe. The most generic reply to a compliment is always going to be "thank you". Usually, the asker will tell me why they asked after I answer, no matter what the answer is (busy, not busy, dont know). Can you repeat what you just said? It takes a bit of confidence to state clearly and categorically what you want and then ask someone else to join in that thing, and not everyone has that degree of confidence. How are you? Theyre expecting to hear seeing a movie and doing some yardwork, not reciting my social security number out loud while treating my intimate medical issues or anything else not normally shared with a crowd. Canned responses are pre-written messages that allow customer support agents to respond to customer issues at the drop of a hat. Eventually I got consistent work as a freelancer, something I could do from home even when I was in pain or needed oxygen etc. Maybe I wont be all that interested in helping her someday. Lead with the actual invitation. I chitchat with cashiers so its totally fine to say something like, Ah, gosh, so crazy today I got a flat tire and Im just grabbing something easy for dinner. In other words if you have the time and energy to construct a lowkey, mildly entertaining story then go for it, otherwise just stick with Great, how are you? and you can let the conversation drop from there. That! and she looked really pissed off, and I worried that maybe it sounded like I was looking for an excuse, any excuse, to get out of whatever she was proposing. The problem with these is that the aforementioned cousin who wants you to babysit may treat your I dont know as nothing at all, I have zero excuses. You need to know your audience, but it does work well for the nosy-only requests. Because everybodys got something. Theyre private and you dont need to know them. Yeah, I ask this of people because Im making conversation! "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. D- Dearest relaxing days. Just kind of wanting to converse by text or something. Best Episode | Law & Order: SVU - Best Episode - Facebook Or why do I feel entitled to her presence and her company? 30+ funny good morning memes to send to your family and friends If you already made someone admit that they do not have Serious Plans, of course at this point saying no to your invitation is going to be so much more difficult, because its going to be rude! That might be some of what LW is sensing in terms of it seems like you want to ask me but youre afraid: maybe for them, saying I would like to do X this weekend, can you come? is an invitation THEY would have a hard time refusing even if they didnt want to do it. I mean, where are you REALLY from, but whats up is harder, since nothing/dont know tends to elicit a why not? or you should be/do more fun! And I dont know what to say to that, because no just seems rude and I didnt invite them to improve my life. 1. Even when its not meant as a hostile act (merely as an exoticising one thats so cool/I used to want to travel there/is it true that people there do x) being othered never feels welcoming. 1. For example, if there were a certain number of hours per week or month that she needs to work at certain things you set, Im not seeing a problem. Examples include: I'm so glad you reached out to me! Youll all be healthier and live longer if they learn some manners in how they treat you. I am definitely not math or sciencey, just like my me time, so that wouldnt have occurred to me. Oh yes, this! The kind of situation where someone finds out you are free that evening and then says, Good! You? and see if he gets stuck in a loop. Im pretty thoughtful about when I feel Im entitled to expect her participation, and when Im not. UGH. Theyre almost certainly not trying to pry into information you consider private! LW gets that we all know this, and should be less friggin bigoted about shoving our nosy questions at a population for whom nosy questions are constantly tied to real threats of violence. I might not feel quite as entitled to her time, but Id probably still think there were some things I could ask of her that shed be wrong to refuse. Oh, theyre going to the movies on Saturday? I really thought that an invitation was going to come later. My suggested response in to this question is therefore is just, I have finished planning yet, or still not finalized possibly followed by what are you up to? This is fairly similar to the Ill need to check my calendar, suggestions and still works if you arent the sort of person who uses a calendar and youre talking to someone close enough to know that about you. When I was a teen or an adult who looked like a teen, I was very fond of, Ill have to ask my mother. I had as little to do with my mother as possible at the time, but I noticed this response was great at making creepy guys shrivel up and slink off. Also, the teachers here will not do your homework for you. For me, it makes saying no so much harder. If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted. But I dont think you can compare me to your dad. Culture or not, Im very sympathetic to people who have a hard time saying no, since that used to be me. Cause you dont have to find out if Im busy BEFORE inviting me to something or asking me for a favor. I also (insert similar hobby or interest). I had a hard time staying employed and taking care of myself because I have a chronic illness, and the alternative to living with my parents would be to figure out how to apply for section 8 housing and Disability, both of which have a long wait list. But it puts me on edge every time I hear it. And part of why Im asking is because maybe you just havent thought about it in those terms. If you use the same phrasing with suddenly a dramatically different meaning, its not other peoples fault if they dont know youve changed the meaning on them. That being said, I am always happy when I get to tell people that I dont answer that question because the answer gets me stereotyped and it keeps us from getting to know each other as individuals. Thank you for a better way to ask this question. Probably just working on some homework. He said, Oh yeah? and just went on, no indication that he was asking for any reason other than general curiosity. It sounds like he'd get into some fun and adventurous dates. To pretend that it wont have a cost societally. Wow, dear LW, that was a great message and it certainly gave me good points to think about. 04 Mar 2023 17:27:26 I have been thinking about this one for some time now, and Im stuck: What is a good response to What are you up to tonight / this weekend / next Thursday?. I am fond of: Oh, you know how it is. Especially as its usually done over text, which (to me) precludes the idea of it being small talk. We assume you wont want to share all your more detailed baggage or bad news with someone you dont know very well and we are a little taken aback if you actually do because it indicates that you feel a level of closeness with us that we didnt necessarily feel with you.
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